By the Numbers

Friday, June 24, 2011

Effective Loving Families


Effective Loving Families

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#Families
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Is love purely an emotional thing we can fall into before marriage and fall out of after? Or, is love something we must always work at, gain understanding of, and grow into? When over 50% of marriages end in delusion, disappointment, and divorce, isn’t it a vital question we need to address.
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 “I’ve fallen in love,” said Betty, “and I know it’s the real thing because I’ve never felt this way before. He’s the most wonderful man. I think of him morning, noon, and night. Nothing else matters. I feel we just belong together. I could never hurt him. He’s so good looking, kind, and understanding. I just want to be with him. He makes me happy and we have so much in common.”
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Never mind that others who know him see all kinds of flaws in his character. He’s been divorced twice, has a fierce temper, likes to pal around with the boys, and has trouble holding down a job. Psychological research on the in-love phenomenon concludes that the average romantic obsession lasts two years. 
I’m indebted to and recommend you purchase and practice the advice in this most helpful book, The Five Love Languages. Dr. Chapman’s thesis is that we all have a love tank that can be empty to full. Our love language greatly affects how we treat other people and how they treat us. We can be deeply loved, but not feel loved or respond lovingly. Our parents, spouse, or children may have a different love language than we do. Let’s look at the five love languages realizing that while we have a primary one, we may have combinations of the others. 
We show love by words of affirmation. Jill had been after her husband to paint the bedroom for nine months, but although he had plenty of time, he would do anything but paint it. He put gas in the car, wiped the bugs off the windshield, paid the bills, cut the grass, and took out the garbage. Saturday, his day off work, he spent the whole day washing and waxing the car. But, he wouldn’t do the one thing I wanted. Dr. Chapman’s advice was not to mention it again, but to compliment him and show appreciation every time he does some good thing. She began doing this and he soon painted the bedroom. She learned that love shown by affirming words motivates good behavior when a critical nagging spirit doesn’t.
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Encouragement inspires the insecure. Allison always liked to write but was a history major in college. She sent an article to a magazine publisher but received a rejection slip and never tried again. Keith, her husband, eager to climb the corporate ladder paid no attention to her writing but later realized Allison’s interests were important too. When he read one of her articles, he realized this is good stuff. He enthusiastically encouraged her to send it to a publisher. Her style was clear, in vivid pictures, fascinating, and she had gained greater experience and imagination over time. She submitted an article and became a recognized writer. Perhaps a loved one in your family just needs your words of encouragement. Show empathetic enthusiasm in their interest, believe in them, and rejoice in their accomplishments. Perhaps it’s to take up a hobby, lose weight, build something, start a flower garden, join a club, sing in the church choir, teach a Bible class.
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Dr. Chapman suggests we make a list of our loved one’s virtues, and add to our list as new ones are discovered, and praise a virtue twice a week. We need words of affirmation—compliments, praise, enthusiastic appreciation show love. Often say, “I love you, precious.” Shame on the man who said, “I told my wife I loved her the day we married and I haven’t changed my mind since.”
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We show love by quality time. I mean looking at and talking to our loved one with undivided attention. Sometimes talkers marry listeners. After being married awhile, couples tend to take each other for granted—they have heard each other’s stories. They tend to settle down for home life and don’t plan exciting times together as in their courting days. Financial expense can limit vacations and entertainment. This deadens family relationships.
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Families can plan fun activities members enjoy together such as outdoor walks, camping, vacations, skating, boating, beach, mountains, national park, museums. This keeps families alive and gives them experiences to remember, share, and cherish. Business, neglect, and routine empty spouses’ and children’s love tank, especially if one’s love language is quality time. Wives complain we never talk anymore and children say daddy just watches T.V. sports in the lounge chair and doesn’t pay attention to me. Baby wants to roll the beach ball in the floor with dad. Big junior wants to shoot baskets with him. Mom wants to tell him what happened at work or home and son or daughter want to share their concerns.
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Some persons don’t talk because they’re not in touch with their feelings. Parents can teach their children to deny their feelings. So children can’t tell parents, “I’m angry, hurt, disappointed, upset” and grow up handicapped communicators. Parents can actually say, “Shut up you dumb kid, or why do you say such crazy things, or I don’t have time to listen to you.” That same parent may wonder why their child won’t talk to them, shows bad personality, and gets into trouble. Criticisms can keep families from eating together. Family members who neglect or don’t talk lovingly with each other hurt from empty love tanks and that leads to marital affairs and troubled rebellious children.
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Quality time is sharing one’s experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires with loved ones. It’s maintaining eye contact, giving undivided attention, listening for feelings, observing body language, and refusing to interrupt. It’s loved ones talking and sharing both good times and bad in an understanding and supportive way. It’s laughing and crying together. Family members who take twenty minutes or more a day to talk to each other will feel more loved and get along better.
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We show love by giving gifts. Physical presence of spouse in crises times is our most important gift. Donna complained her husband Don loved softball more than he loved her. After her baby’s birth, she lay in the hospital all afternoon. Don was with her for only ten minutes and left to play softball with the guys. And on the day of her mother’s funeral, he played softball and didn’t even come to the house with her brothers and sisters. She felt deserted and felt deeply hurt when she greatly needed him. Fifteen years later, she felt just as hurt as though it were yesterday.
But acts of service were Don’s love language so he viewed the two events differently. He was there when Donna was in labor, took pictures of his newborn son, and proudly showed them to his friends on the softball team. And before her mother died, he took a week off to spend with her at the hospital and to help clean up her mother’s house. He felt there was no more he could do. Playing softball with his friends was his way to relieve stress and he didn’t think Donna would mind. Dr. Chapman advises that if physical presence is important to you, that you tell that to your spouse.
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Gifts come in every size, shape, color, and cost and can be purchased, found, or made. The important thing is that it’s accepted, appreciated, and is a physical symbol of your love. It could be a picked wildflower, a beautiful worded card, a picture, whatnot, or something you’ve made. Just a note left on the kitchen table mentioning the things you appreciate about your spouse would be greatly appreciated. A lady told me her boyfriend won her heart when he gave her a single red rose every day for a week. If your loved one lights up, thanks you enthusiastically, shows your gifts proudly to others, and is not critical, then that’s likely his or her love language. So you give appropriate gifts, ask him or her to give you a list of items they would especially like to receive. An occasional gift will fill their love tank.
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We show love through acts of service. Anything can be an act of service your loved one values and appreciates. Opening doors, dusting furniture, changing the baby’s diaper, making the bed, painting the house, keeping up the car, cleaning the garage, mowing the lawn, raking the leaves, walking the dog, vacuuming the carpet, setting the table, washing the dishes, cleaning the commode, removing white spots off the mirror, washing and ironing clothes, folding and putting them away. Jesus showed us a loving servant attitude when he washed his disciples’ feet. He said the greatest in his kingdom would be humble servants.
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But to make our loved one feel loved we must do things that he or she values and appreciates. Further, our acts of service are acts of love only if we don’t feel forced to do them. Persons often do things in courtship that make each other feel loved. But they may radically change after marriage. They expected their spouse to do things like their mom or dad. But that is not each other’s love language. Mary felt unloved because Mark, being a meat and potatoes man, didn’t appreciate her gourmet cooking. She had learned to cook that way from her mother. Her father lavishly praised and appreciated that cooking so she felt her husband should too. Such couples should discuss calmly caringly what has changed since marriage and how they can reestablish each other’s love language.
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We show Love by physical touch. Our bodies are sensitive to touch. If your beloved’s love language is physical touch, you can fill their tank by tender touches, gentle pats, back rubs, holding hands, hugs, sitting close together, kisses, brushing their hair, sitting in one’s lap, caresses, playing footsies or leg touches under the table. You can brush in passing and give a warm smile. You can hug or kiss those you love before they leave home and when they return. Women especially need hugs during a crises experience. Babies too who are touched, held, patted, rocked and kissed thrive while those who are not die.  Jesus rebuked His disciples when they forbade the children to come to Him.
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While sex can be a tremendous expression of love, it can be more a release from tension if that’s not one’s love language. Sexual touching can be appropriate or inappropriate depending on the time, place, circumstances, and your loved one’s needs. Sometimes it can be irritating--your loved one is its best instructor. Of course, it’s inappropriate to unmarried persons who want to please God in their lives. And a harsh slap can be devastating to someone whose primary love language is touch.
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In summary, Dr. Chapman agrees with St. Paul that love is kind, patient, and shown by our actions. We can share our hurt, pain, disappointment, even anger in a calm, empathetic manner. No loud, harsh voice and hostile raised fist and expression express love. But our understanding their situation, confessing wrongdoing, asking forgiveness, and not keeping a record of wrongs, does express love. Love commits to forgive, not to hold grudges, or get even. Love makes requests, not demands nor threats. Our attentive sensitive attitude attracts and affirms love; an arrogant one detracts and repels intimacy. We can’t erase the past but can live differently in the future. We all make mistakes and have failings, but these don’t make us a failure and we can learn one another’s love language and do better next time.
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Your answers to these questions will identify your primary love language. Is it: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch? Which answer to the five love languages comes up the most is your primary one. Remember, the love language we show others is likely the one we want them to show us. You may occasionally want to evaluate how full your love tank is on a scale of 0 to 10. A below seven score indicates some readjustments are needed and loved ones need to talk tenderly and openly about how they can bring them about.
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  What makes me feel most loved?
.ü  What makes me feel most unloved?
.ü  What loved one’s action do I praise?
.ü  What loved one’s action do I criticize?
.ü  What do I most desire?
.ü  What do I least desire?
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  What does my loved one do or not do that hurts me the most?
.ü  How do I express my love?
.ü  How does my loved one express his or her love to me?
.ü  What do I most often request of my loved one?
.ü  What does he or she most often request of me?
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  Which one did my father most and least value?
.ü  Which one did my mother most and least value?
.ü  What is my primary love language based on the answers above?
.ü  What might be my secondary love language?
.ü  What might be the primary and secondary love languages of my loved ones?
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Now what are you going to do about it to make your loved ones a happier more loved family? I will provide a vital service to my family. I’ll buy Dr. Chapman’s book for study, or download and print out this article. My loved ones and I can go over it occasionally just to affirm our commitment to meet each other’s love needs. We must, of course, be honest with each other and ask forgiveness for our mistakes. Also, we can tell our friends about this article and about this blog spot to help people know all the good news worldwide. With diligent practice we can all improve our family relationships..
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