By the Numbers

Friday, March 18, 2011

Clean Christian Jokes

Clean Christian Jokes
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Christians can use good clean jokes as a means to gain a warm reception for the good news of Christ. Expressive body language and a surprise punch line ensure a good laugh and help establish friendships. I’ve found this true many times. But not knowing what jokes you might receive in return, it’s good to set the right relationship with a big friendly smile, introducing yourself and asking if your acquaintance would like to hear some good clean jokes. Almost invariable they do. Afterward, ask if you may share the greatest news you’ve ever heard. You have earned a chance to present the good news of Christ. Of course, always be in prayer for God’s grace, wisdom, leading and power. When appropriate, ask if you can lead your new friend in a definite prayer of commitment. Have him or her repeat phrases of the gospel. For example--
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---Lord, I’m a sinner deserving Hell. But you died on the cross to pay for all my sins and make me right with a perfect God. I trust you now to save me, make me a child of God, and give me your gift of eternal life. Thank you Lord. Amen (so be it). Share assurance passages—Jn. 5:24; Rom. 10:9-10; Acts 16:31. Invite him or her to a Bible believing church or take them to yours. Give them a Bible if they need one.
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Young Girl Who Married Her Hero.
This young lady admired this young man for his broad shoulders. She thought I've got to have him to be my hero. So she married him and discovered he was as dumb as a brick! Her hero turned to zero.
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The lesson here is that we need to ask thoughtful relevant questions about our relationships, not jump into a relationship, and not let our emotions overwhelm and reason. We will learn things in marriage about our spouse that we may never think of in dating.
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Jesus Is Watching You. A man was robbing a house in the dark with his flashlight. He heard a voice behind him say, Jesus is watching you. He turned around but didn't see anyone. Continuing to put treasures in his bag he again heard the voice say, Jesus is watching you. Turning quickly around he saw a parrot in a cage. He thought it's just a dumb parrot. Again collecting items he heard, Jesus is watching you and felt a warm breath on his neck. Turning around quickly he saw this big black bull dog with big menacing white teeth snarling at him. Jesus truly was upon him.
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Yes, Jesus is watching and we all will see Him one day at the Judgment Seat of Christ to receive our rewards for service, or at the Great White Thrown that decides our just degree of punishment for preferring our way to the holy perfect will of God. I sincerely hope and pray you my friend, will choose Jesus who in love died to save us sinners. 
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THE MAN WITH THE HICCUPS.
This man in a crowd of people asked the guy next to him if he knew how to stop the hiccups’. He said yes he could help him and to come with him. He took him around the corner away from the crowd. Then he slapped the fire out of the man. With face stinging bewilderment, he asked why in the world did you do that? "To get rid of your hiccups," the man replied, “But it’s my wife who’s got the hiccups.” May I share some good news with you?
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No matter how well intentioned, we all make mistakes that can cause harm. We live in an imperfect world and can’t live a perfect life. The perfect God who created us knows all about it. That’s why we need his Son the Lord Jesus Christ to be our Savior. What we can’t do, the God-man demonstrated He can do for us. Jesus’ death in our place on the cross displayed God’s love and satisfied God’s justice. Only in trusting Christ can we be sure to one day have perfect bodies, live in a perfect world, and not make mistakes and sins even when not intentioned. My friend, would you like to make sure you enter this new world by trusting the Savior today? May I lead us in a commitment prayer of faith and repentance? Repeat these words after me if you really mean it.
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JONAH AND THE WHALE--GREAT FISH.
Student told teacher a whale swallowed Jonah. No, teacher said a whale couldn’t swallow a man.
Student said the Bible says the whale swallowed Jonah. Teacher said I don’t believe the Bible.
Student said Jesus said the fish swallowed Jonah. Teacher said I didn’t believe in Jesus.
Student said when I get to Heaven I’ll ask Jonah. Teacher said but what if Jonah went to Hell.
Student said then you ask him. My friend, may I share with you the greatest news I’ve ever heard?
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I’m no theologian who has all the answers. I know only that one day I trusted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. It made me a child of God and I have God’s assurance that when absent from this body, I will be with my Lord. And anyone who honestly admits his sinfulness and asks Christ to be his Lord and Savior, will find God’s forgiveness, peace and love are real. The Bible says all who call upon the Lord will be saved. Can I lead you in a prayer to be saved?” “Not today.” Then, thank you sir, for your time. May I give you this gospel tract?
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THE NICEST LITTLE LOVEBIRD.
Two ladies discussed their parakeets. One said she had the nicest little lovebird that has a wonderful vocabulary. He says, let’s pray. Let’s pray. Other lady said her bird has a terrible vocabulary. She says, “Let’s neck. Let’s neck.” First lady said she would bring her bird over to teach the other lady’s bird a better vocabulary. She did the next day. When she opened the cage doors, the male lovebird hopped up on the perch next to the female. He looked at her and she looked at him and said, “Let’s neck, let’s neck”. He said, “My prayers have been answered.” My friends, may I share with you the most wonderful loving thing I know?
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You know many persons have honestly acknowledged they fall far short of God’s perfect moral standard. And they offered this simply prayer with sincerity. Lord, I know I’m a sinner deserving hell. But the Lord Jesus in love died to save me from all my sins. Lord, right now I trust Jesus to save me, give me His gift of eternal life, make me a true child of God to live for and serve Him the rest of my life. Amen. This is the best thing of my life. I want to share Jesus with my loved ones and friends.
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AN EVIL MAN’S WALK IN THE WOODS.
This wicked man went for a walk in the woods and came upon this big ferocious bear. He was so scared he fell on his knees and prayed—“Lord if you’ll save me from this big ferocious bear, I’ll trust in Jesus and try to be a good Christian”. Looking up he saw the bear with folded hands and bowed head praying. The sinner said, “never mind Lord it’s a Christian bear”. Then he heard the bear pray thank you Lord for bringing this good meal to me today. My friends, may I share with you the best news ever? It wonderfull changed my life.
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We don’t know when our end will come. But we can know we will go to live in the new Heaven on the new earth. Quote First John 5:11-13 and Revelation 21:4. Now Roman 6:23 says it all.
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THE POST-MODERN CHURCH.
A Bible believing seminary student on school break attended a post-modern church. He knew he had made a mistake when he heard the pastor say, "All religious beliefs were true." The seminary student squirmed in his seat feeling most uncomfortable. The pastor again assured his congregation that all religious beliefs were in fact true. Sermon over, the student hoped to slip quietly out the door unnoticed. But the pastor grabbed him, gave him a bear hug, and asked if he lived in the area. The student said, “No sir, I’m a seminary student attending your church during school break.” “Seminary student, wonderful!” said the pastor. And what do you believe young man.” “I’d rather not say sir," was his reply. Oh, you can tell me the pastor insisted, “I believe all religious beliefs are true.” “Alright then” the student respectfully leaned toward the pastor and whispered, “Sir, I believe you are going to hell.” Shocked and red faced, the pastor said, “Well, I guess I don’t believe all religious beliefs are true after all.” That's true of all who don't know Jesus. And, we can show people the way to heaven and eternal life. What greater news is there in all the world?
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Apart from the Bible’s God visibly shown to us in the God-man, Jesus Christ, we have no assurance we’re anymore than perishing animals. God, absolute truth, freedom, human dignity, moral standards, life after death, and ultimate purpose of life are crucial human needs. But, we know they are true only if Jesus, the God-man, died for our sins on the cross and arose again. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6). That’s not our way, but it’s God’s way. And all who trust in Jesus as their Lord and Savior from sin find it’s true. We can be God's faithful servants just telling others about this blog.
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THE MAN WHO FELL OFF A CLIFF.
Standing at the edge of a cliff with a two-hundred foot drop, Adam admired the beautiful scene below. Suddenly the rocky edge gave way and he felt himself plunging to his death. He grabbed a hanging limb and held on for dear life. Looking up he called. “Is there anybody up there who can save me?” “Yes, a powerful voice said I’m the Lord and I can save you.” “Thank you Lord, throw me a rope, yelled the doomed man.” But the Lord said, “To save you, you must TRUST ME AND DO WHAT I SAY”. “Oh yes, I’ll do whatever You say Lord. “ Then let go of the limb,” said the Lord.” After some hesitation, the limb hanger said, “Is there anybody else up there that can save me? Of course, it’s a fearful thing to trust the Lord. My friends, May I share with you what I’ve discovered in thinking about this subject?
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I know it’s scary to trust God. But I’ve discovered many good reasons to do so. Jesus left Heaven to show us God is love and really cares about our well-being. And since He experienced trial and temptations similar to us, He understands our needs. He defeated every evil and promised that in Him, we can too. The greatest love anyone can show is to give their life for another—that’s what Jesus did for us even as imperfect unworthy sinners. Nothing in this world is worth having or doing, if we lose our own soul. I trusted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. He’s given me forgiveness of sin and assurance of heaven. Wouldn’t you also like to trust Jesus to receive His forgiveness and gift of eternal life? I can lead us in a prayer of commitment. (Have him or her repeat phrases of the gospel after you as given above in green. Then give her\him this blog address so he can share how to learn Bible teaching and share this good news with the world.) Your doing that will count more with God and for eternity than having the winning lottery ticket.
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 A Boy and A Dog.
Upon coming to the store, Mr. Assume saw a boy sitting in a chair beside the door and a dog lying beside him. He casually asked, "Son, does your dog bite." The body looked him in the eye and answered, "No sir, my dog doesn't bite." Mr. Assume reached out to pet the dog who bit his hand. Surprised! his hand drew back, "You said your dog doesn't bite." The boy said, "That's not my dog."
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Can we make some false assumptions? Consider these examples: Nothing can evolve into everything, so no eternal self-existent Creator exists.  A Creator of the universe wouldn't take human form as Jesus to tell us He loves us. No heaven and hell exist. Death means our spirits die with our bodies.  We can earn our way to heaven by being good. A little sin won't keep us from heaven. Jesus was just a good man. Christians can furnish evidence all these examples are false assumptions not true. Check it out in the articles in this blog.

 Dear friend, won't you bow your head and say this in your heart--Lord Jesus, I trust you now and forever to be my Savior, Lord, and Guide throughout life. Amen.
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 Now get a Bible and study it to learn God's will for your life. And, meet to worship with God's people to be encouraged and show your faith is real. You can share these blog articles with others and lead them to know the Savior. You can even link them to your blog. In reading and sharing them, we not only learn answers to the crucial questions of life, not only have logical factual evidence absent in other faiths, but we can win others to the Lord, and make this a better world. We may one day rejoice to meet others on heaven's streets and discover God used us to introduce them to the Savior. What could be better? Praise God! Lord, bless and use this Your servant's ministry.
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Please understand: I don't write all my articles the same way (genre), or at the same specified length of time. My older articles are good too. I depend upon God's way, God's time, God's glory. Please pray with me that they be God's articles and God's will--I'm human. Thank you.
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Dear friends, please, please, please help me by giving others the address of these blog articles. I greatly need U to help me tell your friends and for them to tell their friends. I'm limited to the few friends I know in my immediate area. If they don't share the life giving message, it stops with us--we may go to Heaven and others who could not go at all. We have the greatest opportunity in the history of the world to share God's love in Christ through modern technology. Playing computer games and idle chit chat is fun, but being computer missionaries is what will count at the judgement seat of Christ and for all eternity. Others use the computer for evil, let's use it for good. Thank you for your commitment and courage. "Lord, bless your faithful computer missionaries with abundant fruit."
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