What Is The Most Common Emotional Problem?

Professor S. is popular, competent, teacher of the year, and an accomplished scholar and researcher at her university. But hidden behind her vivacious personality and intelligent competent manner are intense feelings of loneliness. She read in a magazine, that one person in six doesn’t have a single friend to discuss personal problems with and that four in ten persons feel shy and isolated. Every day she’s surrounded by people she doesn’t know personally who never mention her first name. Her family lives miles away and she returns to her apartment by herself to read and talk to her cat.

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She feels like a worthless failure. “Why don’t I have friends?” she asks. “I’m an attractive person, have a Ph. D., a bright mind and social skills.” But she has no one to relax with and be herself, and it makes her feel depressed.    

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Loneliness affects persons of every class, race, sex and age. It’s the painful awareness we lack close meaningful contact with others. We may feel empty, isolated, left out, unwanted, misunderstood, sad, frustrated and discouraged. It’s difficult to reach out, join in, and establish personal and lasting relationships.

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Without doubt, persons in the Bible at times felt this way. God knew it was not good for man to be alone and made a helpmate for him. A study of Bible characters such as Moses, Job, Nehemiah, Elijah, Jeremiah and David will show they felt others were not at times following their leadership and felt rejected and alone. Paul felt abandoned when several of his co-workers forsook him while in jail (2 Tim. 4:9-12). The apostle John too may have felt lonely being the last surviving apostle and exiled to the Isle of Patmos. But even in loneliness, Christians know Jesus is with us always. And, he sent the Holy Spirit to comfort and guide us (Matt. 28:20; John 16:7).

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I wish to discuss loneliness under three headings its causes, consequences and coping with it.

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The Causes of Loneliness

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Social influences can cause loneliness. As institutions grow bigger, people become smaller in importance. The emphasis is productivity and efficiency making people feel they’re not a valued person but just another nameless number. Specialists feel they don’t have anything in common with persons outside their field. The more that people move close together the more crime increases and the more fearful people become of human contact. Family members may find employment miles away from home and rarely have personal contact. Television viewers sit together for hours without saying a word and violent programs increase their fears.

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Unmet development needs results in loneliness. Persons can grow up feeling lonely because they never formed close bonds with their parents. Increasing child abuse and divorce rate reflects this.

We communicate loving acceptance to others by touching, attentive listening, sharing good times, being with them in crises, helping, giving affirmation, compliments, praise and affectionate hugs and kisses. Persons not experiencing these grow up feeling unloved and not knowing how to give love or even trust expressions of love given them. Without such expressions of love, persons feel shy, withdraw, unworthy and failures.

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Lack of social skills and age can cause loneliness. Persons insensitive to others needs may be manipulative, profane, loud or overly aggressive. Some demand their rights pushing others away. People today largely judge a person’s worth by their position, wealth, achievements or physical appearance. That things are more valued than persons is clearly shown in ageing. Older persons weaken with age often are unwanted, unneeded, unappreciated. Parents may feel their children no longer want them. Spouses feel their mates reject them. Pastors feel their congregations no longer appreciate them. Employees feel shunned by employers and coworkers. Eighty percent of persons in retirement homes are never visited.

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Self-defeating attitudes display a major cause of loneliness--we can be our own worst enemy. We push people away physically and emotionally by being selfish, arrogant, self-sufficient, critical, intolerant, demanding, self-righteous, complaining, resentful and angry. And our fears too can cripple us—fear of intimacy, fear of being known, fear of rejection, fear of being hurt.

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The Consequences of Loneliness

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Being alone doesn’t always mean being lonely. Older people, singles and others can be content as loners. But many are not and sometimes resort to destructive attitudes and behavior. Often the lonely person has low self-esteem. They withdraw, thinking poor-little-old-me, and nobody cares or understands. Life seems so unfair so what’s the use in trying. Some seek attention in off-color hairstyles, mannerisms, or sexually suggestive attire. Others become workaholics, or frequently travel, or buy things to escape the pain and emptiness. Still others resort to gambling, pornography, violence, alcohol or drugs. If deep depression results, they may try suicide. Secular and socialist teaching, that we are just perishing animals without ultimate purpose, leads to irresponsible behavior and suicide.

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Coping with Loneliness

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Some persons have loneliness forced upon them by divorce, widowhood, abandonment, incapacitating diseases, sickness and imprisonment. This gives real opportunity for the church; God’s redeemed people, to visit and share the gospel and minister to human needs. A visit, card, phone call can be treasured by lonely people. Just keeping in touch can be a vital ministry and may even save a life. We humans naturally have our comfort zones with people we know and feel secure with, but we can be God’s ministers by going out of our way to make church visitors feel welcome. We can show them around, sit with them, introduce them to church facilities and take them out to eat. Such kindness could make the difference in winning someone to the kingdom of God.

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Admitting the problem is taking the first step to recovery. We’re all lonely at times but it usually passes. Loneliness doesn’t mean we’re social misfits, outcasts, or unable to relate to people. It does mean we must determine to work to overcome the problem. The next step is to try to identify the problem. Its discovery can eliminate the cause instead of just the symptoms. Going for counseling and honestly answering probing question can get to the causes and change negative attitudes and behavior. Even the comments of our critics can help us realize the needed change.

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Other constructive activities to escape loneliness are to take up a hobby, study course, join an exercise program, go fishing, boating, play tennis, get into a bowling league. Such things relieve stress, get us away from self-brooding, give opportunity to meet people and have fun.   

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The Bible’s teaching is that we’re not perishing animals without ultimate purpose. In God’s sight, we have worth, dignity, and freedom as created in his image. God knows and cares about each of us, and has provided us many good things. Instead of dwelling on negative things as how unfair life seems, we do well to count our blessing, list our abilities, achievements, and happy experiences. We all have them.  We can learn social skills and put loneliness behind.

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Escaping loneliness requires that we take social risks. I’ve been shy and found this brought me confidence. Make it a point to go to social get-to-gathers, talk to people, and ask open-ended questions. I mean questions that require discussion and not just yes or no answers. What does your work involve? Have you had experiences in the armed services? What good clean movies have you seen lately? What exciting places have you visited? Tell me about how you met your spouse. Pay special attention and share some similar experiences with your new friends.

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Jesus said it’s no benefit to gain the whole world and lose your own soul. Gaining a fortune from the death of a wealthy relative or winning the lottery is nothing to compare to trusting Jesus as Savior and Lord. It’s not God’s will that we perish but that we have abundant life (Luck 19:10; John 3:16; 10:10).
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The best thing Christians can do for a fellow human being is to tell them about the Savior of us sinners. Eternal life must be accepted as God’s gift. We’re unacceptable as imperfect persons in God’s eyes and no sin will be allowed in to corrupt God’s perfect Heaven. So, only God’s way of cleaning opens Heaven’s door. And that door opens when we trust the Savior dying for us as a humble sinner. It’s called God’s grace and is only available in the biblical Christ. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.” God may be calling you to say: Lord, I'm a sinner but I trust You as my Savior and life Guide right now, and to help me work out my lonliness. Thank You Lord. Now the challenge is to seek out and show concern for lonely people.

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